Last edited: 29 September 2024
Mixed state is one thing that I have feared when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and it happened!
This is just an experience of a single person. What I describe may not be true to other who experiences mixed state: It can be different! This cannot serve as medical advice as well.
Mixed state, its called Mixed Affective State in Wikipedia, is an episode where one experiences both symptoms from depression and mania or hypomania. In my case, my mood switches between the two rapidly, like daily.
It started out as a potential sign for depression. Funnily, I was having cravings to ice cream. I found myself thinking about ice cream everyday. I got angry that that store no longer sells ice cream. So I have to find another source. I'm so glad to know the campus I'm going to has an ice cream store. Apparently, my place has scarcity for ice cream, wow. Or maybe I suck at searching for ice cream.
Then it slowly turned into mild anger then into explosion. I felt like I could burst into tears at anytime for no reason. I'm in classes and I have to suppress it. I also get rushes of anxiety mixed in with racing thoughts.
It was due to the stress I have from university projects. Fuck you PE. We also have game development project. I love game development but it gives me stress. My psychiatrist suggested I'm rushing it too fast. Yeah she's right.
I think my medication helped. Well I certainly don't know what it'll be like without medication... I'm glad I had medication. You know what, yeah it did helped: I am no longer suicidal. That's a positive.
So, what now. I don't know when it'll last. Sadly, I still have responsibilities. I do know I need to rest, and I need take a step back, and just take a breath. I need to remind myself, there's always tomorrow. I severely need communication as well. I need someone to talk to with these issue. I have my psychiatrist, but that's not enough. There's free therapy in the campus. I haven't tried that. Someday, I'll try it.
Thank you so much for reading.